Shen Tingmian touched his wrist subconsciously. 


The moment you bleed, the pain inflicted on your body will seep through your nerves and soon occupy your brain. This creates a momentary space of security and happiness. It helps a person temporarily forget the torture that their soul has gone through. 


Replacing pain with pain was a stupid method through and through, but it had no cost and it was effective for Shen Tingmian. 


Shen Tingmian entered school compounds carrying the bag his mother prepared for him. On his way back to his classroom, he bumped into Ms. Chen and Li Muze.


Li Muze was carrying a stack of books and only his eyebrows were visible. 


Ms. Chen, upon seeing him, hurriedly said. “Ah, Shen Tingmian. Come help out.”


Shen Tingmian walked forwards and took some books away from the stack in Li Muze’s hand. His and Li Muze’s eyes met for a brief second before he quickly looked away. 


They passed through the field and Ms. Chen struck up a conversation with Shen Tingmian. “Did you go home?”


Shen Tingmian nodded. “Yeah, to get something.”


Li Muze and Shen Tingmian walked side by side on the field, their minds were wandering in ripples. 


The ball being used by the football team was kicked out of bounds and for the first time ever, Li Muze kicked it back to them, which he usually never does. Be it whether the players see the ball slowly approaching his feet so they stop chasing after it, or they make a friendly call in hopes that the almighty Li Muze could do them a favor and kick it back to them; he would ignore everything.


Why should yours truly help you?! Don’t you guys have legs?!  What a bunch of stinky idiots.


Li Muze could never get used to their rotten habit of expecting people to kick the ball back to them.


However, things were different now. The person he likes was next to him, so he was happy to help with anything.




Why is the sky extra clear today?


Flowers were blossoming in his heart and he would occasionally glance over to look at Shen Tingmian’s side profile. The edges of Shen Tingmian’s eyes were always red but his skin was fair. It was way too tempting; for the young Li Muze, it was a fatal temptation.


Shen Tingmian felt surreal to Li Muze. His body was structured differently from normal human beings. He didn’t have to excrete, nor did he have those ugly organs like the liver and intestines. He believed that under Shen Tingmian’s skin was a house of priceless diamonds. 


Shen Tingmian would hear this compliment from Li Muze in the near future. 


But only god knew that under his skin was a rotten infestation. 


Fortunately, Li Muze was not god. 


Shen Tingmian would laugh while he was talking to Ms. Chen. 


He was someone who loved to laugh and Li Muze would steal a few more-than-occasional glances. Li Muze was typically loud and obnoxious in front of the teachers but he didn’t dare to utter a word at that moment. He continued to walk pretentiously but his gaze was glued to Shen Tingmian’s smile.


He didn’t dare to indulge in the dimples gracing Shen Tingmian’s face. 


Even in a dream, one more look would be sacrilegious. 


“Shen Tingmian, I’ve actually always wanted you to be my class representative.” Ms. Chen said. 


Shen Tingmian smiled.


Ms. Chen smiled as well while looking down at her pair of white high heel shoes. “You’re always listening attentively and you’re the only person in class who takes my lessons seriously.” 


The statement that was said in a joking manner sounded half-true and half-false. However, the self-deprecating side of Shen Tingmian heard the undertones of mockery and solitude directed toward him, so he was taken aback for a moment. 


She continued without forcing a reply out from Shen Tingmian and naturally transitioned the conversation to Li Muze. “Li Muze, why were you so upset today?”




He felt Shen Tingmian’s gaze as the latter focused on him, which made him a little flabbergasted. His lips flared up in embarrassment.  “No, I was just thinking about what to eat at night.”


“You haven’t had dinner yet?” Ms. Chen smiled in surprise.


“Oh, wait. I meant supper.”


After his sentence, Li Muze heard a lighthearted chuckle escape Shen Tingmian’s lips. 


The setting sun shone down on them and Li Muze suddenly had the feeling that maybe Shen Tingmian would accept him. That piece of self-deluding happiness made him a little out of touch with reality and he started talking about whatever in excitement. “Miss, do you know what Liu Chao wrote for the reading question last time?” 


Perhaps Ms. Chen was a quiet and down-to-earth girl when she was still in school because she always spoke with a scholarly temperament, like that of a bookworm. Her fingers were fiddling with the hem of her skirt as she spoke. “Oh, you mean that question?”


Shen Tingmian asked, “Which question?”


“The question that asked what kind of person would you want to be in your next life.” Li Muze replied to Shen Tingmian enthusiastically. His voice became louder and his palms were sweating. “Old Dog… I mean, Liu Chao said he wanted to become a monk.”


Ms. Chen laughed. “I think I remember now. Why did he write that?”


“He said the food that monks eat was free.”


All three of them laughed and Li Muze pretended to ask Shen Tingmian inadvertently. “What did you write?”


“I want to become a bad guy in my next life.” Shen Tingmian answered. 


“Like the boss of a gang?” Ms. Chen asked.


“Not really,” Shen Tingmian said while thinking. “I was thinking a bad guy who would commit any crime imaginable, the kind of evil that would go down in history.”


The air around them seemed to have condensed before Shen Tingmian added. “A selfish bad guy I guess.”


“Being selfish doesn’t make you a bad guy, humans are all selfish beings.” Ms. Chen’s tone was gentle. 


Shen Tingmian shook his head. “Well, I wanna be a bad guy after all.”


Li Muze thought that Shen Tingmian was adorable. 


He spoke with a cute expression and a cute voice. Even if he was talking about wanting to be a criminal, the tiny speck of expectancy glimmering in his eyes was also cute. 


Holy shit, he’s so friggin’ cute.


Li Muze could never conceal the crazy stars that would sparkle in his eyes whenever he looked at Shen Tingmian.


He cleared his throat and tried his best to force a nonchalant look before laughing at him. “Oh, give it up. Did you think being a bad guy would make you look cool? Isn’t that a self-absorbed way of thinking?”


Ms. Chen looked at him with a smile. “And you aren’t self-absorbed?”


“I’m very mature, okay?” Li Muze retorted disdainfully. 


Ms. Chen waved her hand and started skipping. “There’s nothing wrong with being self-absorbed. It’s relaxing to be a carefree person.” 


Li Muze was still stealing glances at Shen Tingmian.


Shen Tingmian’s smile would always bring him joy and leave him in a neverending state of euphoria.


Even if he didn’t reciprocate his feelings, the happiness he was experiencing was worth treasuring tenfold. 


Shen Tingmian sat in his seat after returning to the classroom. Amidst the rowdiness of the room, he took out his recording pen to listen to the podcast that would air at a fixed time every day.


The group of students near the back door was always the last one to quiet down. A few students were biting on their *water cards and hurriedly filling water in their cups. Li Muze was acquainted with the classmate who was in charge of taking down the names of tardy students and he started chatting with him at the back door. They talked unseriously, sharing jokes and laughter.

* water cards are like lunch cards and most education institutions in china require students to have water cards to access drinking water


Shen Tingmian twirled his pen as he let the guilt and self-blame from today sink in. 


He never told anyone that many instances of his happiness were faked. He would sometimes and occasionally experience genuine joy, which made him panic and scared whenever that happened. That raw emotion of happiness made him feel as if he had done something wrong because he knew that it wasn’t something he deserved to experience. 


Moreover, nobody would be willing to acknowledge his true everyday sorrow if they were to find out about his pretending. 


But he didn’t care about trivial matters like these anymore. Or, to be precise, he stopped caring so much because he knew that everything would come to an end after a few days. 


The peace that thinking about death brought to him allowed him to live in accord with the immense feeling of self-loathe. 


Members of the class committee would take turns maintaining the discipline of the class.


And the person in charge today was Li Muze. He brought his textbook to the podium and sat down as the other students did their self-revision for the evening. 


Li Muze pretended to be doing his homework, but in fact, he kept glancing in Shen Tingmian’s direction. 


The frequency of his glances was way too often and he did a terrible job at hiding it, so much so that Shen Tingmian eventually felt his gaze on him. 


Shen Tingmian chose to be ignorant at first, but he himself was a person who couldn’t concentrate. After his train of thought was interrupted by Li Muze’s stare several times, he finally raised his head to look at him.


Their eyes met and it was too late to look away, so he simply looked at him.


A smile was threatening to crawl onto his lips when he saw Shen Tingmian and he couldn’t help it. Unconsciously, a grin was plastered across his face. 


Shit! He pretended to look away as if nothing had happened and skillfully acted like he was talking to someone behind him. Shen Tingmian’s gaze lingered on him for a while more before he lowered his head and continued to do his homework.


With his heart beating rapidly, Li Muze thought to himself. Well, this lesson is damned.


During their break, Li Muze walked over to Shen Tingmian’s seat with his pocket amidst the ruckus caused by the rest of the class. Zhao Chen was dozing off, and Li Muze grabbed his quiff haircut. 


He actually came to find Shen Tingmian, but he refused to admit it so he started to harass Zhao Chen instead. 


Zhao Chen sat up yelling, “What the fuck?!”


Li Muze didn’t dare to look at Shen Tingmian directly, nor did he dare to talk to him. However, the person he liked was right in front of him so spoke to Zhao Chen in a loud voice out of excitement, in an effort to get Shen Tingmian to notice him. 


Meng Yuanyuan stood up to get water and Li Muze joked with her in an excited tone, which was something he normally wouldn’t be caught dead doing. “Meng Fangfang, are you going to get some water? Get me a cup too.”


Meng Yuanyuan didn’t lose her temper despite being called the wrong name and answered. “Where’s your cup?” 


Li Muze pointed to the podium.


Meng Yuanyuan glanced at Shen Tingmian. “Should I fill your cup too?” 


Li Muze didn’t wait for Shen Tingmian to reply. He waved his hand and answered in his stead. “No need, his cup is still full!” 


Shen Tingmian raised his head and said. “No, thank you.”


For some unknown reason, Li Muze thought that the sentence sounded exceptionally gentle. He felt jealous and pretended to look out the window to mask his disappointment. 


Shen Tingmian slowly flipped through his workbook. He scanned the front then the back, as if he was attempting a question.


Li Muze felt annoyed out of his own unjustified jealousy and said to Zhao Chen. “Did you finish eating the snacks I gave you the other day? Give me some.”


Zhao Chen’s temper was picking up as well. “Ugh! You really, fine—”


He found a pack of potato chips and gave it to Li Muze. Li Muze looked at Shen Tingmian from the corner of his eyes as he tore open the bag of chips. He shared them with the neighboring students before shoving the bag in front of Shen Tingmian. “Here.”


His head went blank as he offered the chips and Shen Tingmian eyed him before averting swiftly averting his gaze. 


“No, thanks.” Shen Tingmian said, 


Li Muze retracted his hand bitterly and asked insensitively. “Huh? Do you even eat anything then?”


Shen Tingmian replied in a hushed voice. “I do.”


Zhao Chen thought that their conversation sounded hilarious so he started laughing with his shoulders hunched and hands clutching his stomach. 


Shen Tingmian also laughed.


Eating is still a must. 


Eating is a lifelong mission and he had no choice but to endure that torture. 


The way Shen Tingmian’s eyes curved into small crescents whenever he smiled tugged at Li Mue’s heartstrings violently; the pool of emotions in his heart was rippling uncontrollably. 


Li Muze’s heart couldn’t take it anymore. He panicked and turned around to look at the boys who were seated near the walking aisle. They were huddled up around the student sitting in the front row reading a sports magazine that was laid out on the student’s lap. 


Li Muze escaped by squeezing his way into the group, wrapping his arms around the shoulders of two guys from the group pretentiously. “Yo, homies!” 


A few of them raised their heads one after another and punched him in the arm. Old Dog Liu hooked his arm around Li Muze’s neck and clamped him under his armpit before giving him a few playful punches. 


“What the hell’s their deal.” Zhao Chen muttered under his breath. 


Shen Tingmian glanced at Li Muze’s staggering figure, his flimsy lips seemed to be transparent.


At that time, he didn’t know that one day in the future, Li Muze would be holding him and both of them were crying. Li Muze sobbed, as he constantly soothed Shen Tingmian by drawing circles on his back. “This isn’t right, you know? It isn’t right.” He would repeat over and over again, choking back his tears. 


“You can’t close the doors on accepting love from people and loving someone else just because you don’t want to be hurt by love again.” 


Li Muze rubbed off the tears on Shen Tingmian’s face with his palm. 


“No matter what happens, you have to believe that I will never give up on you.” He said to Shen Tingmian shakily as their breaths intertwined. 


☆ 🖇️ 𖥻 <꒱ ୭ ✧ ˚. ᵎᵎ 🏹


tl/n: very important note from the author!!!


Tamago discord is now OPEN: Buy Me a Coffee at
Being Towards Death

Being Towards Death

Being Towards Death, BTD, Live to Death, 向死而生
Score 8.2
Status: Ongoing Type: Author: , Released: 2020 Native Language: Chinese
Before committing suicide, he was confessed to. The kid who was determined to die slowly didn’t expect at that time, he would always be sabotaged by the confessor.


  1. Cherry says:

    Thank you so much for the new chapter 😭💗💗💗💗

  2. LicoLico says:

    Not nice!
    Thank You for the new chapter -ω(´•ω•`)♡

  3. qyura says:

    Thank you so much for picking this up! I can’t wait to read more~

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